Some days I do not feel like teaching yoga. I have a day job and many days after 10 hours at work, I’m tired, worn out and drained. I’d rather go home for a quiet evening on the couch than teach yoga.
I worry that I won’t be able to offer a good class. That I will be too tired or quiet or slow. I worry that I won’t be able to show up for my students and that my energy will leave them feeling tired, drained and worn.
Other days, my dark thoughts have taken hold. I wonder what business I have to teach a yoga class. Who exactly do I think I am to lead people through postures, breathwork and personal reflection?
I worry that my aching heart and anxious thoughts will permeate the class and that my despondency will colour their experience.
No matter how I am feeling, I show up for my students. I’ve made a commitment to show up and teach. My lovely students show up week after week. ❤ Ready and willing to practice.
When I am feeling that low, and often short on time, I don’t have the opportunity to engage in activities to elevate my mood or dismiss intrusive thoughts or take a nap.
So I teach out of a weary body and a broken heart. Ironic as it seems, those are often some of my best classes.
There is no performing.
There is nothing to prove.
There is no ‘how it should be’.
It’s just me, naked, raw and authentic on my mat. Teaching straight out of my current situation.
Ultimately,that is exactly what I set out to teach. I always tell my students to accept themselves however they show up on the mat that day. I tell them to observe themselves physically, emotionally and mentally without judgement or harsh criticism. I tell them to let go of expectation and to meet themselves with love and acceptance. .
While I don’t speak about it directly, they are catching glimpses of my yoga practice when I am at my lowest and my darkest. They are seeing how yoga heals my heart, restores my soul and gives me hope to keep on going.
Life isn’t pretty.
When you have a practice that requires you to show up every day and meet yourself, you quickly find out what kind of person you are and what is in your heart.
It’s easy to keep it all together and stay positive when things are going well.
What is truly inside of you will come out when you are under pressure, overwhelmed and heartbroken.
For a long time, I rejected what came out of me that wasn’t clean and perfect and positive. Yoga as given me a container for meeting those parts of myself that I didn’t like or thought were wrong with neutrality and grace. It’s taught me how to accept and love myself unconditionally. Which is the core of what I teach.
With my broken heart I teach the more important lessons I have ever learned.
Much love ❤